Uptown Notes

Okay, so for years students of color, particularly Black folks, have been complaining about “crime alerts” and incidence reports that are non-descript and detrimental, for those who thought they stopped publish them, click here. Just in case those suckas wanna change the text, I’ll copy the text as it appears at 8:35pm on Wednesday.

Suspect #1: Black male. early 20’s, black hooded sweatshirt, blue bandana, black gloves, black pants.

Suspect #2: Black male, early 20’s, black fleece jacket covering face, black gloves, black pants

Suspect #3: Black male, early 20’s, black bandana with white pattern, black gloves, black pants

Since U of M is now alerted to look suspiciously at nearly every Black male on campus, one of my friends in law school has suggestions on how to make sure we (Black men) stay safe:

Some rules for us “students” (…like we are actually students here) about traveling at night to help avoid being interrogated:

1. Wear a button that says…”Bush for Blacks”

2. Avoid putting lotion on for three days so you are a walking snowstorm and look like some of these sorority girls

3. Get a timmy from that barbershop on State Street

4. Wear a tight t-shirt that says, “I don’t sit in a room alone white women”

5. Don’t wear black gloves…If you do, make sure that they fit. White folks will not fall for that trick twice. They will never forget OJ!

6. Wear sandals

7. Avoid wearing anything affiliated with Detroit, Ypsilanti, Detroit, Ypsilanti…Did I mention Detroit or Ypsilanti…actually, throw in Pontiac, Flint, Ecorse, Southfield, Inkster, Royal Oak Twp, Saginaw, Mt. Morris, and any other suburb or city that is more than 25% African-American

8. Cover up all tattoos….We all know all of you have gang affiliation or served time

9. Always walk with a white guy from Alpha Sigma Gamma Beta Omega UVWXYZ, Inc. after 9:00 for the next couple of weeks, kind of like a human apartheid pass. You won’t seem as suspicious.

10. Get one of those robes from that Howell auction.